Contentment

Sometimes in the evenings when I am sitting on the couch I will look over and see Wilson, the kitty cat, stretched out on his back, paws outstretched, white belly exposed. When he notices me watching he will give me a look of pure contentment. If I move slow enough he will allow me to rub his belly which will produce a contented purring. His belly is full, his litter box is clean, and his momma is home – all is right with his world and he wants nothing more.

Often when I see him stretched out like that, content and happy, I am jealous. He looks so peaceful and relaxed and it takes so little for him to be happy. Then I remember that I, too, want for nothing. Really, in the scope of things I have a lot - a house, a car, so many clothes and shoes in the closet it is bursting, food in the kitchen, money in the bank, loving family, friends, a good job – what more could I need?

The reality is that contentment doesn’t come from things. Wilson can attest to that since he doesn’t have a car, clothes in the closet, etc. Wilson can be at peace because he knows that he is loved and taken care of. And that is where my peace should come from also. I know that my happiness and worth isn’t the result of the material things in my life. It isn’t because I have great things. My happiness comes from knowing a loving God who loves me more than I love myself. It comes from wanting what I have and knowing it’s enough.

It’s not always easy. Seeing others who have bigger houses or more expensive cars can cause me to want more. I think the desire to achieve more and better things is ingrained in our human nature. Our culture provides impetus to be discontent. Ads scream at us every day to be younger, be sexier, to acquire bigger and better things. They imply that we are not okay as we are. But, we are okay even without the things the world would suggest we need.

Two years ago I was laid off from my job. It was the first time in twenty some years that I didn’t have a source of income. The first question I was asked was “What are you going to do?” And then as the weeks went by the question became, “Haven’t you found a job yet?” The idea that a person could be without a job and still be okay was foreign to many I came in contact with. During the months of unemployment I found that there was more to life than my career. I learned that I could live without expensive toys and eating out. I did have everything I needed and it was okay. The time allowed me to slow down enough to look at life and enjoy it again. It showed me that my contentment came from things that weren’t tangible, but were an important part of my life none the less. Honestly, I often think I was more content being unemployed than I am when I am pursuing a career. My challenge now is to be content no matter what.

Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. –Phillipians 4:11

Dare to Live Mightily

My friends all went to Paris, but I didn’t. They climbed the Eifel Tower and brought back a little Eifel Tower pin for me. It was 1976, I was in grade school and I had the chance to spend a week in Paris with my class. I chose not to go because I was afraid of the metro. In retrospect it was silly and thirty some years later I still think it was a bad decision. And, unfortunately, it was the beginning of many such decisions that I made because I didn’t want to get hurt, fail, look like a loser, or a myriad other reasons.

Some of you who have been around me in the last few years have heard this story or been with me as I take a painful trip down this particular memory lane. There are other lanes that are equally as painful to travel down like the memory lane where I chose to go to an in-state college rather than the out of state one that I really wanted to. But this blog isn’t about my regrets; it’s about what has happened since I decided to live life by the seat of my pants and allow myself to truly participate in life.

Recently I found the following quote by Theodore Roosevelt in our local newspaper:

“Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checked by failure….than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.”

I read the quote and realized that so many years of my life were lived in a gray twilight. I had no great victories or defeats because I had failed to dare.

When I made the decision a couple of years ago to begin to take chances, a whole new world opened up to me. I began to see the world in a different light. I have tried some daring things in the past few years and I have some mementos of those trials. I could never bear to wear the little Eifel Tower pin on my shirt, maybe because it was a reminder of what I had missed. Today, though, I sport three little lady bugs on my right ankle. They are a constant reminder of my mom, but also of my desire to live life fully.

Not all of my quests have been amazing, death defying acts. Some are more sedate such as seeking a promotion that would change my world. Some people wouldn’t consider this to be a great adventure, but it has been. I was granted the promotion and it has turned my life upside down in many ways, but in the last six months I have been changed. I have been touched by the lives of the people I now supervise. I have an incredible team of 9 people and they are all unique, they all come from different experiences, and they all bring different things to the team. The promotion requires that I stretch myself and challenge myself on a regular basis. Some days that stretching and challenging makes me want to run screaming to the 9th floor and jump off the building. When the day is over though I am a different person because of the situation and because I chose to face it rather than jumping off the building!

Recently I have been pondering my approach to men and dating. I have always played my hand very close to my chest for fear of being found out and being hurt. This stems back to a situation in 6th grade with my first crush. His name was James and he was foxy (I believe that’s the word we used back then) and I just wanted to be near him. He found out about my crush and let me know he knew. I don’t know whether he thought it was a good thing or a bad thing because as soon as he knew I withdrew into my shell. I was mortified and for once was glad when it came time to move to another duty station a short while later. The problem with this approach is that men don’t see interest and they move on. I always rationalized that the right man would come along and scale the wall I had built. He would be worthy of my love. That may be the case, but I know there was purpose in my singleness. I don’t lie awake at night with regrets of not being married or in a dating relationship, but I wonder what great friendships I might have missed out on over the years because of my fear.

I choose to write about my missed opportunities and my new adventures not because they are all that amazing. I put them out there because I see others who are letting life march on without them. Life is busy or tough or tiring and so they let experiences pass them by. My quest for life may involve jumping out of planes or white water rafting or getting a tattoo. That doesn’t mean everyone should choose those things. Sometimes it is the little things that open the biggest doors. Maybe it’s taking a class, pursuing a hobby, talking to someone in the elevator. Little things can make a world of difference if you are open to the adventure in everyday life.

Hard to believe when I look back that the gray twilight permeated my life because of two instances that happened in grade school. I allowed those two childhood memories to hold me back for the next twenty some years. I have been living an abbreviated life because of fear. John 10:10 talks about the thief that comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but that Jesus comes “that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.” God wants for each of us to have abundant life, not necessarily in the tons of money in the bank sense or climbing great mountains, but He wants us to partake of all the He has given us. We live in an awesome world and have the opportunity to do and encounter great things. Reach out of your comfort zone in little ways to see what might happen. It could just change your life!

Everywun Haiku

Recently through Facebook I became aware of a web site called Everywun. The mission is simply to give every person the opportunity to make a difference. Last Saturday the founder of the site posted a challenge asking people to write haikus about their cause. A fellow Lewy Body friend sent out a message asking if anyone wanted to write a haiku about Lewy. I don’t think I have written a haiku since high school, but I gave it a try. Haiku is a form of Japanese poetry – 3 lines that consist of 5 syllables in line 1, 7 syllables in line 2, and 5 syllables in line 3. You can visit the Everywun sight here. Here are the two haikus that I wrote.

Be a volunteer
Fight Lewy Body Disease
Join LBDA


Tangles in the brain
Lewy Body Dementia
Destroys those we love

Move the Cause Forward

This is the time of year that they begin popping up all over – fundraising walks. These walks have become very popular in the last few years. They are a great way to raise awareness and to raise money for worthy causes. Some people walk because a friend asks them or because they want to get out and enjoy the weather while doing something good or some people walk because of a deep seated passion.

In the past I have fallen into the first two groups, but now I fall into the last group. I still participate in other walks to support friends in their causes, but I am a woman with a passion now, a woman with a cause. Honestly, I wish I didn’t have this passion, but because of circumstances I couldn’t control I had no choice. You see in the last ten years of my mother’s life she was increasingly tortured by dementia. My family and I became all too familiar with the devastation that dementia wreaks. It is this that fuels my passion and my cause. My goal is to wreak devastation on dementia so that someday other families won’t have to go through what we went through and other people won’t have to suffer as my Mom did.

Dementia is a generic term to describe a cluster of symptoms. There are many types of dementias that have slightly different symptoms. Alzheimer’s is currently the leading cause of dementia accounting for 60% of the population of people with dementia. Lewy Body Dementia affects 20% of the population of people with dementia and Vascular dementias affect 10-20%.

This year will mark the second annual walking of the Lewy Ladybugs in the Alzheimer’s Association Memory Walk. 2009 marks the 20th year of Memory Walks in Colorado. This year’s theme is “Move the Cause Forward.” All funds raised during the Memory Walks in communities around the country go the local Alzheimer’s Associations. These groups provide support and education to their local communities.

You can find out where the Memory Walk is happening near you by visiting the Memory Walk Web Page.

Two Pictures

On the shelf in my cubicle at work are two pictures that tell a story; one of happy times and love, but also one of hard times and struggles.

In one picture I stand between my parents on my graduation day in 1998. My mother is a vibrant 57 year old. She smiles for pictures and tells people how proud she is of her daughter. This is the mom who taught me to be strong and independent. Mom raised me to be someone who pursues her dreams. She believed in me and was proud of the fact that I could do anything I put my heart into. Mom instilled in me the belief that I could do anything, be anything. In reality I am who I am because of my mother.

What that picture doesn’t show and that we didn’t know at the time was that tangles in Mom’s brain were beginning to change her. Lewy had already taken hold at that time and had begun its insidious creeping, overtaking, destroying.

In the second picture Mom is surrounded by my sisters and me; the strong women she raised. This picture was taken in May 2007 and is the last picture of Mom before her death. In the almost ten years since the first picture she has become frail, a shadow of her former self. Lewy has stolen her ability to do the basic things in life. The family that she raised is now taking care of her. She showered us with love over the years and the family returns that love.

It’s been a year and a half since Mom passed away. I think of her often; especially now at Easter. Mom always tried to make holidays special for us. Easter was a time of colored eggs, ham, Easter bunny cakes. She decorated the house with bunnies and eggs. It was always a special day at our house.

This Easter we will gather at Dad’s house and there will be Mom’s decorations, ham, colored eggs; even an Easter bunny cake. The only thing missing will be Mom. Our holidays are bittersweet these days. They just aren’t quite the same and that makes me sad. Still, I can’t help but be happy for Mom. Lewy can no longer torture her. Once again she is strong, healthy, and vibrant. She is in heaven and is celebrating with our Risen Lord and for that I rejoice.

Simplicity

I drive a lot for work and my drive often takes me along a two-lane highway that meanders through the country side. As the highway leaves the city it winds through a forested area and then opens up to rolling hills. It really is a beautiful drive. Houses and farms dot the fields along the road. This time of year the fields are full of horses, cows, sheep, and bison. The fields are still mostly brown with winter and the trees are just beginning to bud.

My car has always been my major thinking spot and that coupled with my love of driving means I don’t mind that I have to be on the road a lot. In years past when I really needed to think through something I got in my car and drove. Now I get regular time in the car and my thinking time is divided between thoughts of work and thoughts of my writing. I am often inspired by things I see during my travels.

Just recently on a cold morning when patches of snow created a patchwork quilt with the brown of the fields I noticed a clump of sheep in the side yard of a small house. I imagine they were enjoying an early morning spring breakfast. I couldn’t help but wonder if the baby sheep ever say to their mommas, “We hate cold, brown grass. Why can’t we have warm, green grass for breakfast?” To which I am sure the mommas reply, “There are starving sheep in Africa; you should be thankful for what you have. Now hush your mouths and eat your breakfast.” Yep, that’s what I thought and lo and behold, here it is in my blog. That’s the way it works for me…I see, I think, I write.

Lately my life has been crazy. Work has been busy and sometimes hard. We have had several bouts of snow that complicates my work schedule. Things at home like paying the bills and doing the taxes demand my attention. And even though it is just me and my kitty cat at home and we aren’t terribly messy the house still needs to be cleaned. It just seems as if there is never enough time and while I long for a simpler life I believe this is the plan for my life right now and its okay.

Still as I drive by the farms and the little houses during my time in the country I wonder if the people who live in these houses lead simpler lives. I wonder if any of those houses are home to a semi reclusive writer. I dream about living in a small house away from the hustle of the city. I see myself in this setting as being a semi reclusive writer enjoying a cup of coffee while watching out the kitchen window and seeing the sheep having their breakfast. (Not my sheep, mind you, but the closest neighbor’s sheep! Having sheep definitely would not be simplicity for me.) As I drain the last of my coffee I will pad to my office and sit before my keyboard. Words and sentences will flow from my fingers as I write amazing stories and best-selling books. This scenario isn’t anything new. I used to imagine a similar situation when I drove through the Columbia River valley in Oregon. The difference now is that I am actually writing and moving towards my dream of being published. Maybe someday I will live a different life and when people drive through the country side and see my little house they will wonder the same things I do.

In Plain View

Twelve years ago today I walked into a little church in the middle of a farmer’s field and was changed. The church was surrounded by fields of grain and was ten miles drive from town. Driving out to the church was an intentional act, people rarely happened by the church and stopped in. The path that I had taken to get to that church was much longer than those ten miles.

I grew up in a Christian family. We did all the things many other families do – go to church every Sunday, celebrate Easter and Christmas, attend Sunday school. Still, somewhere in the midst of this Christianity I was lost. I really didn’t understand and when I turned 18 and was given the choice I chose not to attend church. Don’t get me wrong, I believed in God and believed that He was real. I just didn’t feel any real need for structured religion. I was a good person and that should be enough. But something was missing.

For years I had felt like God was pursuing me. I could pinpoint people in my life that seemed to be there for a purpose. First there was Dallas, my fourth grade friend, who took me to her church for Bible Crusades. Then Laurie who lived across the hall from me at Colorado State University; she invited me to join her for dinner my first night on campus. She, too, took me to church, a David Meece concert, and she told me “Let Jesus be your boyfriend.” Honestly, as an 18 year old that had no experience with boys I didn’t want Jesus as my boyfriend, I wanted the real thing. And later Jennifer, my coworker at Kay-Bee Toys would speak to me of Jesus and His love.

By 1997 I had been living in Oregon for 3 years because I felt like I needed a change. It was a change for sure. I went from Colorado where it is said that people can enjoy 360 days a year of sunshine to Oregon where it is said that people can enjoy 360 days of rain. The big change I anticipated didn’t happen all at once. It was only years later that I began to see most of the change. Life at the time was a full time job during the week, a part time job evenings and weekends, and full time school work as I pursued my bachelor’s degree. I was exhausted and pretty miserable much of the time.

I had a friend at work, though, who was bubbling over with enthusiasm for a church she and her husband had begun attending. I was lost and was questioning and Jan patiently answered my questions. One morning over coffee at work she invited me to join her at church sometime and almost fell out of her chair when I said, “How about this Sunday?” I wanted to see what this church was all about.

That Sunday she and her husband picked me up and we drove ten miles out in the country. There was Plainview. It was a little white church building surrounded by fields that were just beginning to explode with their summer crops. I enjoyed the service and was enthralled by the simple statement from the pastor that our relationship with Jesus needed to be vertical, we needed to keep our eyes on him. Two weeks later when Jan asked me to attend the church’s Easter Program I agreed.

It was a Saturday night around 8pm. The church was dark and the program started with Jesus in the manger. “Hah, wrong holiday,” was all I could think. But that program started with His birth and ended with the actor being crucified on the cross. As I watched I began to see the Bible stories in a new light. When they hung Jesus on the cross I could feel the heat of the day on that dusty hill. I could taste the dust in my mouth as I watched in agony while Jesus died. In my mind’s eye I was transported back in time and fully understood that this act was done for me.
For the first time in my life I shed tears for the man who sacrificed so much 2,000 years ago.

Later that night during prayer I raised my hand when the pastor asked if anyone needed Jesus in their life. It wasn’t until later that weekend that I realized my life had been changed. My life had changed, but I am still changing. I am still learning and growing. Twelve years have passed since I saw with new eyes what had been in plain view all my life.

I still have struggles; the Bible never promised that I wouldn’t. But for the past twelve years I have had a strength that does not come from within me. It comes from God. I have weathered many storms over these years and have clung tight to my faith through them all. I think of that little church sometimes and know that it has weathered storms also, both physical and spiritual. Still it stands strong because the people of that church love and trust God. I want to be like that church, standing strong because of my love and trust in God.

Fireflies in December by Jennifer Erin Valent

The year was 1932 when Jessilyn Lassiter turned thirteen years old. For Jessilyn that summer was a time of growing up and changing. For the country it was a time of hatred and distrust toward people who were different. That summer Jessilyn found just how strong hatred and distrust could be when her best friend Gemma came to live with the Lassiters after her parents died in a house fire.

Having a black child live with them made the Lassiters a mark for the Ku Klux Klan. Despite the threats Jessilyn stands strong in her belief that Gemma should be treated like any other. Even when faced with danger she and her family fought against the injustice and strove to be lights in a dark world.

Fireflies in December is the first novel written by Jennifer Erin Valent. It is a beautifully written, poignant story that won the 2007 Jerry B. Jenkins Christian Writer’s Guild First Novel Contest. I had the pleasure of meeting Jennifer at the 2009 Writing for the Soul Conference and hearing how she came to be a published author motivated me to move forward with my book. She pursued writing this book despite the trials and times she wanted to quit and turned out an award winning story. Jennifer is currently working on Cottonwood Whispers the sequel to Fireflies. It is due out in September 2009 and there will be a third book in the series.

You can visit Jennifer's website to learn more about her and her book. And, I highly recommend you go to your local bookstore and buy her book.

Cherish Life

In my friend’s office is a great picture taken on her wedding day. She and her new husband are in a beautiful old car. On one side her head and upper body are through the window and she has her arm outstretched and a magnificent smile on her face. On the other is her husband looking handsome and happy with a smile to match hers. That day they joined their lives together and faced the future.

Two days later her new husband became very ill; he had cancer and was given only six months to live. Nine years later her husband is still here although he has been very sick much of the time. There have been times over the years she thought she would lose him. There have been times when he has been unable to talk or move his hands. Nine years they have been married and for nine years they have faced his possible death each and every day. Thankfully at this time he is doing pretty well.

She revealed their story to me recently during a dinner out. I was surprised to say the least. As we talked she said to me, “I am so grateful that I have found someone like my husband to share my life with. And I have learned to cherish every day because I never know if it will be his last.”

Cherish every day, what awesome advice. Not all of us face such a vivid daily reminder of how fragile and fleeting life is and so we forget to cherish. I know I do. I forget to cherish the moments with my dad and with my siblings. I forget to cherish the amazing world God has surrounded me with. I forget that each day could be mine or my loved one’s last.

Today I am looking at life differently. I want to challenge you to join me in that. Don’t wait until something so terrible reminds you; cherish what God has given you.

25 Random Things about Me

This is one of those activities that are being passed around the web and via email. It kind of reminds me of slam books that were popular when I was in junior high school. I have recently been tagged on Facebook and wrote 25 random things about me. I found it kind of fun to think of things about myself that people may or may not know and I found it somewhat inspiring so I decided to write 25 random things here also. Feel free to join me and write your own 25 things; you might remember some things about yourself!

1. I am the second oldest of four children.

2. As I have grown older I find more and more things in me that are like my mother and father; it’s not a bad thing to be like them!

3. When I was in junior high I wanted to be a cartoon artist. I thought I would work for Disney when I graduated.

4. I have loved to read for as long as I can remember. One of the genres that I really enjoy is true crime and that perplexes me.

5. When I was a teenager (before I was old enough to drive) I couldn’t imagine learning to drive and thought I probably would never get my driver’s license.

6. Despite #5, I did get my license and found that I love to drive! Whenever I need to do any deep thinking I fire up the car and head out to the highway.

7. In 2000 I had a bad accident that Mom and I walked away from, but that stole my joy of driving for about 3 years. I have since gotten over my fear and my love of driving has returned.

8. I always imagined writing a novel some day. Now I am working to make that dream a reality.

9. There was an old washer with the roller and crank that was used to squeeze water from the clothes before hanging them on the line to dry in my grandparent’s basement. When I was about 10 I was playing in the basement of my grandparent’s house with my siblings and cousins. We loved to play with that old washing machine and on that day I was feeding something through the crank and my arm went with it. Yep, I rolled my arm in up to my elbow and then had to roll it back out. It felt like a wet noodle for a while.

10. My first major when I went to college was pre-med. I wanted to be a cardiac surgeon. Later, realizing I would not only have to deal with death on a regular basis, but would also be responsible for someone living or dying while I was operating I decided that probably wasn’t the best career for me.

11. I once was sucked into a little cave while tubing on the South Platte River. I thought for sure I was going to die down there and I screamed so loud my friends could hear me a mile downstream.

12. Despite #11 someday I want to go rafting on the Arkansas River.

13. I have never been a waitress. For a short time I was a hostess at Ihop, but drew the line at waitressing.

14. My first roommate and I had a mouse in our apartment. She named him Ben. He couldn’t stay because he totally freaked us out, especially the morning I got up around 3am to use the bathroom and there he was sitting behind the bathroom door.

15. Somewhere along the way I lost track of my first roommate and I regret that. I still remember how everything that summer was “Out of control!” and that was a good thing!

16. I have lived in two foreign countries and six states.

17. I played hand bells in the bell choir when I was ten.

18. I have never been very good at volleyball.

19. In high school I was a baseball manager and loved it. Last year I went to the Rockies Spring Training Camp in Tucson and was transported back to my high school baseball days. Today I drove by my old high school and as always I glanced over at the baseball diamond. There were enough geese on the field to make up a baseball team. I imagine they were working on their fielding skills.

20. My high school letter jacket still hangs in my coat closet and it has been 26 years since high school.

21. I never liked ice cream until I worked at Baskin-Robbins. Now I am an ice cream snob and am quick to tell people that Dairy Queen isn’t real ice cream.

22. For a number of years when my nephew was learning to talk I was nicknamed “Hammie.”

23. I love shoes and purses :-)

24. I have blonde hair and green eyes; my three siblings have brown hair and brown eyes. When I was younger a friend of my Mom’s once asked if I was adopted.

25. My grandparent’s farm is a century farm. Indiana honors any farm that has been in the same family for 100 years. Three of my cousins now run the farm since Grandpa retired.

Well, there you have it; twenty five random things about me you probably didn’t need to know. Please feel free to post a comment with random things about yourself!